no more free summers

this feels so strange. why are people expecting me to be so happy about being done? why are most people so happy about being done? maybe this is disappointing; but university was the best time of my life. while i’m sure there are many – endless – fantastic times ahead, this night is the end of something beautiful, and something unique.

i guess this is no different than any other night. each day, or night, or hell, each moment that we pass, passes without return. each moment is unique as we’ll never live it again. gosh, i remember realizing this when i was like 6, but i guess this is slightly more mature?

i wrote my last exam, ever, likely, outside of me taking post grad courses/degrees/whatever. it won’t be the same, though. i got to travel, i got to party, i got to slack off like never in my life. i have so many wonderful memories – all the travel, all the people i have met. i still have the note left on my door by a friend of mine in maastricht, on my last night – “just knock” – so that i say goodbye before leaving (at 4 am). i remember australia and missing tim. i remember starting university and feeling so overwhelmed by the size of the university. i remember classes of 300 people, and i remember classes of 5, and all that was in between. i remember assignments handed in the last minute, and assignments done weeks in advance – oh who am i kidding, there were no assignments done weeks in advance. they were all, or most done last night, last day, last hour, last minute, hell, i remember last second assignments. standing in front of the dropbox, completing a neat copy of a proof (as all copies had to be neat! but of course!).

5 years – did they really fly past so fast?

first year – calculus. all that i remember is calculus. okay, well, fine, i remember other courses – i remember taking 150 with k. reid, and feeling so happy that WOW there’s a female professor in an advanced CS class! things must not be that bad! haha. i remember archeology, my social science course (i don’t even know if i needed that course, but at least i’m sure i got my distribution requirements filled), with the midterm when the entire class showed up saying that “we didn’t get the book!” and the prof taught the midterm to us, and gave it to us the week after. a unique experience – no other course in u of t was nearly as gentle (no exam!). i remember suffering through introduction to cognitive science, disappointed that the prof that i wanted wasn’t teaching it. linguistics – made good friends there. and that’s all.

first summer – blackout; missed exam due to it; didn’t have to write it – got a good mark. thought i’m smart. hah…

second year – changes. changes in personal life; changes in marks. barely remember courses – but i remember getting back (paying for!) an exam, to check if they were right – how could have i have gotten such a “low” mark! apparently, i could. doubt i’ll do that again. remember crying on my first (and my last) exam, after being fooled by the prof on what i should’ve studied (i went to office hours the entire year, and she lead me down the garden path. i only knew one experiment that was asked, despite studying for many, many hours of review). i remember finding the exchange office.

third year – maastricht. got my credits. but more importantly, got my self confidence. met wonderful people, moved out on my own, partied like there was no tomorrow. realized that the shitty marks in u of t are not because i’m not trying – but because u of t is hard. without trying, getting As in most classes… what a boost… only to return to –
third year, second half – my only D, the class where i met tim. the class I should’ve dropped after getting 25% on the midterm, but didn’t. it was worth it – the class doesn’t matter at this point. i remember falling in-love, as i was falling into my australia plans.

summer, tim leaving.

fourth year, first half. finding my favouritest prof ever (maha can attest). suffering through a CS course, and getting 78, 80, and 81 in the other 3 courses. feeling good. (wow, i got more than 80 in two courses? in one semester? holy crap, i’m smart.)
second half. australia. not much to say here, except thanks for 336 and 384, UNSW (and oleg, who beat out these credits from CS department in U of T).

fifth year, the strange feeling that its all ending. first semester, blah. no great marks. sick during exams. no excuses. desperate for last nights of out; but everyone are focused on studying now. savouring the rare einstein and new ho outings. poker nights, redecoration, 2nd x-mas with tim’s parents, feeling it all just about slipping through my fingers!

and here we are

end of second half of fifth year.

last exam went perfect. pick 4 out of 6, pick 2 out of 3, and i knew all 9 questions offered. i’m happy. i yelled in the parking lot. and then i looked at the university college building and felt such strong nostalgia.

the time passed by faster than it took me to type this entry. i already miss it all. i’ll be ready for the wonderful, awesome future – but right now, i miss it preemptively, i miss it whole heartedly. it was the best time of my life, and i doubt i could have gotten a better experience in any way possible – cognitively, socially, or personally.