blog.olya

realization of the day: i am very happy when i have fresh flowers that i can cut and arrange. i had my G test this morning (passed, from the first time! wooo!), and then worked until 7, so i was pretty stressed out and tired. upon coming home to a clean apartment i decided that instead of vegetating in front of the computer/the tv/the book i should do something that would take my stress away.

turns out pruning flowers is one of the many things that work very well to make me feel calmer, happier and relieve my stress. after spending around an hour cutting and trying to arrange all the various flowers that my mom gave me (it was her birthday, and she basically gave me some she didn’t really care for, plus some pretty ones - like the sunflowers) into the vases that i had on hand. after that i decided to take photographs, and turns out that i took like 38 photographs that i liked. so, there you go! diny, enjoy the chairs.

here are my favourite ones, you can see all of them here. (i culled the vignettes into this set)

now about my g test.

well, let me tell you, i was worried. most people (as in 20 except for 2) that i asked didn’t pass it from the first time. i don’t take failure well, despite knowing that its stupid to stress out about a test that DOESNT EVEN AFFECT YOUR GPA OMG. (and you can retake endlessly for just some small amounts of money). and yet, there was, sitting in the parking lot and trying really hard to calm down. i borrowed the russian translation of dale carnegie’s book (compilation of all 3 of his most famous ones) from my parents, so i tried to read it.

the guy who was testing me (i think his name is randy - thank you, randy!) was a friendly looking young guy, unlike the person who did my g2 test. he asked me how i am, and i honestly replied “nervous as usual”. i think this confused him, as he asked “this IS the first time you’re taking this test, right?” (it already said this on my form). i replied in the affirmative.

the test itself went nicely, with some awesome happenings. i pulled out of the parking lot with no problems (went really slow as there was a young kid who i saw running around before, so i informed the guy that the reason i’m going this slowly is because there’s a kid behind us, and i’m worried about him). fast forward to driving on the highway, and no problems. (i did apparently make some errors on the way there, but all minor things). so we’re going on the highway, and he says “please change lanes left and then right whenever its safe to do so”. i check stuff, see that its safe, and change lanes. obviously i’m going 100km/hr on the dot, so is the person in front of me. and then i see in my rear view mirror a pick up truck with a flat bed trailer (like the small one) speeding toward me. my first though - “ok, change lanes to the right so that you get out of his way”. except, the crazy pick up truck swerves to the lane to the right of me, without dropping speed. at this point i’m thinking “shit, he’s gonna pass me on the right and i’m very screwed, especially if he honks or breaks badly”. what he did was worse (or better? since i passed?). he passed on me on the right alright, but he did it without dropping speed, signaling lane change, and with his flat bed trailer SWINGING WILDLY, missing my car by maybe a meter. i actually said “holy shit” outloud, because that was some horrible driving there. randy didn’t say anything, so we continued on our merry way, while i’m kinda going “oh shit did i just fail?” inside.

what was remarkable is that he didn’t ask me to do any kind of parking. at least now i’m a pro at this parallel stuff, thanks to our wonderful street. anyway, we park and right away he goes “congratulations, you’ve passed!” (let me remark, this is BAJILLIONS YEARS OF LIGHT BETTER than my g2 test, where the guy just sat there for like a minute silent and writing stuff on his paper, until i couldn’t stand the pressure and asked with a shaking voice “so did i fail?” and he was like “oh no”. turns out i had 2 mistakes out of 15. but that was g2). i’m not sure how many “points” i lost on this test - i still have the paper, but it doesn’t say which errors are more crucial.

anyway, randy, wherever he is, i’m hoping he’s having a good one, because turns out that exams/tests still make me crazy. great! :P

this feels so strange. why are people expecting me to be so happy about being done? why are most people so happy about being done? maybe this is disappointing; but university was the best time of my life. while i’m sure there are many - endless - fantastic times ahead, this night is the end of something beautiful, and something unique.

i guess this is no different than any other night. each day, or night, or hell, each moment that we pass, passes without return. each moment is unique as we’ll never live it again. gosh, i remember realizing this when i was like 6, but i guess this is slightly more mature?

i wrote my last exam, ever, likely, outside of me taking post grad courses/degrees/whatever. it won’t be the same, though. i got to travel, i got to party, i got to slack off like never in my life. i have so many wonderful memories - all the travel, all the people i have met. i still have the note left on my door by a friend of mine in maastricht, on my last night - “just knock” - so that i say goodbye before leaving (at 4 am). i remember australia and missing tim. i remember starting university and feeling so overwhelmed by the size of the university. i remember classes of 300 people, and i remember classes of 5, and all that was in between. i remember assignments handed in the last minute, and assignments done weeks in advance - oh who am i kidding, there were no assignments done weeks in advance. they were all, or most done last night, last day, last hour, last minute, hell, i remember last second assignments. standing in front of the dropbox, completing a neat copy of a proof (as all copies had to be neat! but of course!).

5 years - did they really fly past so fast?

first year - calculus. all that i remember is calculus. okay, well, fine, i remember other courses - i remember taking 150 with k. reid, and feeling so happy that WOW there’s a female professor in an advanced CS class! things must not be that bad! haha. i remember archeology, my social science course (i don’t even know if i needed that course, but at least i’m sure i got my distribution requirements filled), with the midterm when the entire class showed up saying that “we didn’t get the book!” and the prof taught the midterm to us, and gave it to us the week after. a unique experience - no other course in u of t was nearly as gentle (no exam!). i remember suffering through introduction to cognitive science, disappointed that the prof that i wanted wasn’t teaching it. linguistics - made good friends there. and that’s all.

first summer - blackout; missed exam due to it; didn’t have to write it - got a good mark. thought i’m smart. hah…

second year - changes. changes in personal life; changes in marks. barely remember courses - but i remember getting back (paying for!) an exam, to check if they were right - how could have i have gotten such a “low” mark! apparently, i could. doubt i’ll do that again. remember crying on my first (and my last) exam, after being fooled by the prof on what i should’ve studied (i went to office hours the entire year, and she lead me down the garden path. i only knew one experiment that was asked, despite studying for many, many hours of review). i remember finding the exchange office.

third year - maastricht. got my credits. but more importantly, got my self confidence. met wonderful people, moved out on my own, partied like there was no tomorrow. realized that the shitty marks in u of t are not because i’m not trying - but because u of t is hard. without trying, getting As in most classes… what a boost… only to return to -
third year, second half - my only D, the class where i met tim. the class I should’ve dropped after getting 25% on the midterm, but didn’t. it was worth it - the class doesn’t matter at this point. i remember falling in-love, as i was falling into my australia plans.

summer, tim leaving.

fourth year, first half. finding my favouritest prof ever (maha can attest). suffering through a CS course, and getting 78, 80, and 81 in the other 3 courses. feeling good. (wow, i got more than 80 in two courses? in one semester? holy crap, i’m smart.)
second half. australia. not much to say here, except thanks for 336 and 384, UNSW (and oleg, who beat out these credits from CS department in U of T).

fifth year, the strange feeling that its all ending. first semester, blah. no great marks. sick during exams. no excuses. desperate for last nights of out; but everyone are focused on studying now. savouring the rare einstein and new ho outings. poker nights, redecoration, 2nd x-mas with tim’s parents, feeling it all just about slipping through my fingers!

and here we are

end of second half of fifth year.

last exam went perfect. pick 4 out of 6, pick 2 out of 3, and i knew all 9 questions offered. i’m happy. i yelled in the parking lot. and then i looked at the university college building and felt such strong nostalgia.

the time passed by faster than it took me to type this entry. i already miss it all. i’ll be ready for the wonderful, awesome future - but right now, i miss it preemptively, i miss it whole heartedly. it was the best time of my life, and i doubt i could have gotten a better experience in any way possible - cognitively, socially, or personally.

14 day forecast one day apart.

she-crab soup made from this recipe (its awesome)

today was definitely a good day. first off, last night after making triply sure that the assignment works (thank you, dad!), it was handed in with no problems, and i went out to have some drinks - for the first time evah! (the drinking out that is). that was fantabulous fun, and i came home and crashed to sleep.

the morning of thursday was excellent. first off, dad confirmed everything is fine. thus this huge, terrible weight of that unbearable assignment fell off my shoulders. the linguistics assignment was almost done, so i spent my morning cleaning it up. (i also made scrambled eggs. yum!)

the constant question of where to print if you’re not really in possession of a printer can drive a student to do odd things, especially if they have to hand in the assignment by 2pm and its 1:50. i tried printing at the library (which smelled like smoke, and later i found out that it was evacuated!), but ended up crashing their computers. so, on kinda vagueish instructions from LA and Kevin i found the place where all the american students get their sponsored labs - its a gleaming, white, clean room, with lots of big macs with flat screens and pretty mice and fast computers and fast printers. i printed and was outta there under 1 minute. yay!

next problem was finding the drop off box. i got confused between two buildings, both of which intials begin with MB, so i ended up being at the hand in place at 2:10 or so. but they still took it on time!

i also spoke the prof, and wished him a good holiday. yay!

random memories on the walk home, when the world suddenly became bright and assignment free:

a bearded, white, curly haired professor at his desk going “hmmm” in a serious tone to a young naive first year student cowering in front of him.

“but i did everything i could!” “well my grandad was in the navy you know!” (as part of one conversation, very loud argument)

a guy eating a watermelon (like 1/4 of it) on the run.

the feeling joy surrounding the campus despite the rain as this was the last day of classes before the break (actually i felt the joy but didn’t know that second bit).

upon arrival home i found out i have no classes tomorrow, and that elin will be going to the gym 2 hours later, so i snacked, chatted, relaxed, and then went to the gym for a hard core workout!

this was my 4th time. i biked for 20 mins @ lv 5, elliptical for 20 mins @ lv 5, and for the first time, ran all 20 mins at 7kph (before i was 14 mins run and 6 walk, and then 16 mins run and 4 walk). then elin showed me some weights training, so i did about 40 sit ups on the big ball, some leg excersizes with the ball, some back excersizes with the ball, weight training for back and arms and legs, and stretched. it was good!

came home, made the she crab soup, and that’s where the day ended, basically.

i wont count the evening because i washed all of the dishes in the kitchen again for the 2nd time (not a single. clean. cup. 2nd. time. in. the. day. i washed almost all of them before the gym.) (so before sleep i went in and did a major clean up - washed majority of dishes that were “anonymos” - like not from LA’s baking - and finally cleaned off counters. yay!), and watched wolf creek which was scary. but that’s okay. it doesn’t count.

i want to be a food photographer! so much fun!

i recently finished 2 books: one is “woman in the dunes”, by kobo abe, and second is “my sister’s keeper”, by jodi picoult.

moral of the story, in both, as coincidental as it was, is that people care about having their personal freedom of choice. while their actions might be the same at the end (staying or leaving, donating a kidney or not), the moral, the intent behind the action is far more important to them - but rarely to those who surround them.

its almost like art. it is the intent that makes a piece meaningful to the artist - even if the public never cares.

i’d highly recommend both books, even though they are completely different in style, they make an excellent match in story. woman in the dunes is rough, gritty, pressing on you from every angle, and drives its point hard:

“I have a one way ticket to the blues, woo woo”. If you’d like to sing - please, go ahead. In reality, the last thing that a man who has been given a one way ticket will do, is sing like that. The shoe lining of the people, who have a one way ticket, is really thing, and they scream if have stepped on the smallest pebble, and won’t move further. They would like to sing of a ticket to the blues that goes both ways. Only a man, holding a return ticket, can hum to himself a sort of sad song about a one way ticket. It is because he is afraid - afraid that he will lose it, or it will be stolen…

(rough translation to english from russian which was translated from japanese. some ommissions.)

i can’t think of an equally poignant quote from my sisters keeper, it felt far more gentle, if still very painful, just on a different level - here, everyone suffers, and most realize their suffering, but like abe’s characters they keep on digging themselves out.

i guess this comparison makes no sense if you haven’t read one, or even both of these books, but i really hope that one of you will pick it up. here is the russian version of woman in the dunes.

i’m going to go sleep, so that tomorrow i can dig sand of assignments again.