animal killer

date: 1073452459

mood:
listening to:dire straits – brothers in arms

screw me and my arrogance. the fish is … 100% going to die by morning. i have no idea what i did wrong. i have no idea why he looked so better yesterday, and today he is lying at the bottom of the bowl, looking like death.
i don’t know.
i went to hug dog.

dog has a wound. a hot spot.

it is horrible when you are responsible for a life, and you fail them.

tomorrow morning i will wake up to find … the fish, dead. i’ll bury him in my backyard, wash my hands, and go to my long day of school.

and thursday, i will go and get a new one. because … i won’t fail him.

mood swings

date: 1119568531

mood: time * %moodcoefficient
listening to:me gustas tu


same old place, shiny new camera (err, d70, not shiny and new but its a reshoot)

i’m sure my dad is very happy with his very legal downloads blazing fast, while i’m suffering at 1.6K/s here. arrrrgh.

that last one, negative space is like a flower.

i found affinity for swiss chocolate. WTF? since when do i enjoy candy? thankfully i’ll be eating sushi today to attempt and stop that bad habit.

i’ve been angry, worried, concerned, relaxed, sleepy, curious, impatient, disappointed, expectant, relieved and happy today. how’s that for 12 hours of awakeness?

halfway points between then and now

date: 1114747903

mood: in the past and in the moment
listening to:led zepplin – stairway to heaven

we should all be 2 years old in our hearts.

do you know the saying today ist he first day of the rest of your life?
maybe today is the moment between then and later. half way moment of where things are still undecided – exams are not finished, bags are not packed (or unpacked, depending on whether you’re coming or going). it might be your birthday, or it might have just passed. or it might in half a year. and it is all still halfway between then and later. maybe in 3 years you’ll look back and say “yes, this is when i failed computer science”, or maybe you will say “yes, this is when i met her” (or him). or maybe you’ll just look back and say “man, those were good times – i wish i could remember more!”

me, 2 years old, russia.

and a normal photo (montreal, 2005)

OMG YAY WEEE

date: 1110655480

mood: +++++++happy
listening to:dj shadow – organ donor 2004 live (AND IT GOT THERE ON RANDOM. i swear.)

i da n00bs*

yeah people weekend went off to a grrrreat start. AND i got 79 in one of my bettah midterms. time to jet to do STUFFS and THINGIES and meet PEOPLE and WRITE stuff and AAAH things to do. yeah, i’m doing h/w on a saturday. ain’t i leet? ;)


weee this is my fav thing in the city for this month cause its always either going to someplace fun or returning from someplace fun. unless its the abovementioned n00bs, but they don’t reaaally count ;) cause i could take the ttc to see them! cause its thebetter way.


* n00bs = scarf and maha

not happy

date: 1104211809

mood: angry, sad
listening to:

i am not happy.

i don’t know enough, and what i don’t know hurts me. i am stupid, i can’t create what i want to, my art is shit, because its not even art. i don’t even know how to properly use the fscking equipment i worked so hard to get. i can’t create anything original, and what i call original, in reality, doesn’t even come close to what would be considered serious work by anyone. i could, and should just toss all of my photographs, cause whats the point, they are junk, and are completely useless. why am i even trying? its all garbage, and i can’t get better simply because i am an idiot and don’t know anything.

i wish, i wish i could stop feeling like this, but i had this sitting in me for probably a few months now, and tonight its just exploding. i don’t know why i even try. everyone else seems to know exactly what they are doing with their photographs, why, and for what, and how. everything i read shows me people who like and know what they are doing. i’m just a silly little girl who is pretending to be able to take photographs, when in reality all i have is a big camera that impresses people.i have no idea what i’m doing, i have no idea where i’m going, i have not a clue of what i want to show or express. i just want to shoot, and i wish i could stop thinking about the part before and after – that way i could ignore my stupidity.

alas, i can’t. i am stupid, and i don’t know what to do. it is all shit, and i don’t know where to go from here.

from library. the weekend.

date: 1097334122

mood:
listening to:

i’m not sure if it is good to have many short updates, with no real content, or what.

so, i think i might have bronchitis. i might have picked it up from francesca. chris possibly has the same thing – we discussed it last night while we went out together.

last night, after going home (late! 8pm!), ate dinner (penne with some interesting sauce), drank lotsa tea, then went out – highlander, where i found a computer with internet – shame it is a bar, where i can’t really sit down, nor i’m sure if i’m allowed to actually use the computer, then shamrock, where we had a beer and i watched some foosball, then de alla where really sucky music was playing most of the night. we left around 3am, came home, had our traditional midnight (well, late night) snack/tea (yay for twinnings earl grey – i have 1-2 packets left, booya, can’t find good teas here, or they are REALLY expensive!), watched the live presidential debate (4 am! ouch!), than sleep.

woke up at 1, had coffee, read slashdot (saved articles), had some eggs (nothing else to eat, shopping tomorrow), then went to the library. to study. except i have a feeling they are closing in 5 minutes. which means i shouldn’t even bother beignning studying. except people don’t seem to be leaving, even though 10 minutes ago this computer had a message that the library is closing in 10 minutes. i thought its closing at 6, and its only 5… anyway, after i finish this entry i’ll start studying.

kev pointed out last entry that even regular is not regular. it is very true – every single mundane thing still shocks me with its unmundanity. that’s exactly what i was trying to point out in my previous entry, that i cannot find things as shocking as they used to be, and yet each mornign when i open the SHARED fridge, or brush my teeth in the sink in my room, or take a shower in the SHARED shower, or watch european tv with 6 different languages spread among 20 channels, or go outside to see the bike lanes and the bike shed, or simply hear the vast internationality that is on my floor, i am very acutely reminded that i am infact not in canada, not anywhere where i expected to be 5 months ago.

the library is very quiet – the air conditioning went off. but people are still here. i don’t really get it…

someone told me that they expected an entry about paris, and i realized i haven’t said anything about my *2* trips there! shame on me. i will make an honest effort to finish my paper tonight, and THEN, IF i have time, i shall type something up. however, to summarize, it was FUN.

okay. i guess that’s as many things as i could think of to say here. have a great weekend and wish me luck with my psychology paper!

stolen bike locks

date: 1094752116

mood: muscles pain
listening to:

alrighty, in no particular order fun stuff

last night, francesca’s bike lock (i.e. my lock that i borrowed her), was stolen.

as in, she has the key, with her, at home. the bike was locked in the shed. after osme time, last evening, the lock disappeared. hte bike is still there. it is a mystery. considering that … well… why the hell would you want a lock with no key?!

had class today at 8:30, too early, woke up at 7:15, ate musli and biked to class. had some internet time beforehand, like 5 minutes, still nice.

stupid dutch system. i could have bought tea/coffee/hot choc/cappucino and/or snacks and drinks from the machines here BUT i have to have money on my chipknip card. to transfer money i need a bank account. i HAVE bank account, but in canada, so to transfer is to pay money. otherwise i gotta open a dutch bank account. can’t buy anything wiht cash.
anyway, we’ll see. i also need the card for printing, soooooooo i’ll be screwed if i dont figure something out in 3 weeks, cause that swhen my first paper (in social psych) is due.

after class i met anto, one of the indonesian people. he is a nice guy, doing his phd here, but as we have nothing in common i think we will not be able to keep up contact. still cool to make random friends in all over the place.

when we went to the food place (one of the 15 that are in 3 minute radio from my classes, and most of them are good and cheap!) i saw a bunch of my floormates, so after having the absolute polite minimum of conversation i excused myself, and went to talk to them.

francesca and i went to the centre to get cellphones and other stuff, the rest went to study.

french guys and francesca are having a hell of a time trying to figure out the difficult english that they are subjected to in classes here. they need to read like 40-60 pages (we have different courses), and are suffering.

me? i’m enjoying it. last night i read my social psych and made notes to discuss today in tutorial. i was one of the most prepared people, bringing up several good points. it is TOO easy, the textbook is FANTASTIC (so easy to read, well written), and after suffering through psych in u of t, here it is pure joy to sit around and talk very nicely about various theories and their effect on our lives. (effect or affect?)

anyway, center. we biked to the centre, locked our bikes, went to find a cellphone for francesca and myself. we walked around at least 5 different stores. she was looking for pretty, i was looking for cheap. after settling on choice between 2 stores, i ran around until i figured out where i get the best combo for prepaid, including timing, rate for sms, rate for talking, etc.

so i got a local cellphone for 35 euros, including 15 euros prepaid. not bad.
the phone sucks, but for 3 months, who cares:

yes, i really do need a cellphone. otherwise we all get lost, and its not like a constant thing, i just need to send an sms once in a while, type of thing.

anyway, after that we walked to bikes, stopping on our way in the euro-store, that’s like dollar store, only in euros. i got a multitude of useful things, a bowl for my cereal (we have one bowl between 12 people and we are all constantly trying to share it, its insane, i want my own), a cool sized tea cup (perfection1!), a rope and some clippers, body wash, soap, a notebook for taking.. err… notes. that’s all really. oh and a candle, cause i miss candles and fire.

so with all of THAT plus my chinese book… oh YEAH i am enrolled in chinese now :D, PLUS my laptop we walked back to bikes (i was dying at this point). we stopped for coffee/cola on the way, cause it was hot and we were dead tired.

after that she realized she got the wrong phone, so we biked back to the place, she exchanged her phone, then we went to phone unlocking place, she left it there to be unlocked so that she can use it with the italian card that she has, and THEN we went back home (this is like 4:30 now).

at home i ate 2 sandiwches with products that i thoughtfully bought for myself :D bread, ham, cheese, lettuce.

theen i went for my french interview.

i was actually quite nervous, cuase i wanted fr3, which is speaking french but no vocab. so i was nervous, cause i didn’t want fr2 (which is for, like, beginners… i dont wanna study all over the freaking verb charts). so i sat with her and spoke with her for a while, about how i love paris and i i went to paris, and i was born in russia, and i live in canada, with my parents, and stuff stuff stuff. she said i’m definetly fr3, and its all cool.

then i went here online, wrote email to parents, and now i am signing off (after checking email again). dinner will be served in like 40 minutes, i wanna get home beforehand to help them!

phew, that was a long one. i think i covered pretty much it all though.

omgwtfbbq

date: 1093441858

mood: sleepy, bouncy
listening to:

time FLIES.
its already wednesday.
and tomorrow is my flight.
*bounce*
and i’m not packed yet!
*bounce*
am im so nervous that i’m not really sleeping at night anymore. i just kinda wake up every few hours.
and i woke up by myself at 9. i fell asleep at 3. how weird is that!
my external usb enclosure turns out to be broken. no cd/dvd write/read.

i’m gonna go finish packing. (or start, really). my goal is to be done by 1pm.

last night i went out with a bunch of people whom i know from high school. one of the guys i haven’t seen in *2 years*. it was really cool, and fun. they all were joking about certain things that netherlands is famous for. :)

okay im gonna run wake up,

bee great!