date: 1080103423

mood: relaxed
listening to:marilyn manson – i don’t like the drugs

i overreact too quickly.
i was walking home and thinking of a neat algorithm.
maybe there is osmething for me in those “com-puters”, but yeah, i just need better timing sot hat i don’t end up freaking out in the last second and not being able to get a grip on myself.

my day went so not how i expected. i have a beaaaaaaaautiful plan to finish 1.5 assignments meet prof, have lunch with dad and then go shopping in chinatown.
unfortunately things didn’t work out… anyway. point being i finished assignment 5 minutes before it was due, handed it in (CVS), ran to class (mmm showered looking pretty).

i have too many (shitty) bags. MUST have garage sale this spring and get rid of all the weird junk.
anyway, on a … hmm, weird, on a garage sale last year i got this … “wetsuit ™ 4.0” made by “silicon sports”

its a thingie like this http://i8.ebayimg.co…/i/00/b3/1b/6f_1.JPG (only flatter, all black, more like tiny suitcase, it fits on a regular sheet of paper) which is theoretically for some form of an HP laptop (has a built in metalish plate for hte keyboard). its light, compact and … i dunno i never used it as a bag but it fits 2 palms, keyboard, wallet, lipgloss, mp3player, cellphone, pen – very neately. no space left but yeah, its super neat and accessible.

its getting warmer. its awesome!

date: 1078536909

mood: i love mental
listening to:

I’m not going out on a date (yes, I am)

date: 1075214682

mood: REALLY needing contact lens solution and snowed in
listening to:edge102

damnit, i can’t find the videos of which they are speaking

http://www.canada.co…b2-9d5e-06b57f19cdc6

i wonder if rival stations are gonna be playing them.

and www.frankmagazine.ca just crashed, i’m guessing because everyone went there after the radio annouced where you can get the videos. i think they have a link but its down (obviously).

today i’m shooting people – a dance group. a long big project. i’ll go take a quickie shower so that i feel good the whole day. =)

date: 1073452459

mood:
listening to:dire straits – brothers in arms

screw me and my arrogance. the fish is … 100% going to die by morning. i have no idea what i did wrong. i have no idea why he looked so better yesterday, and today he is lying at the bottom of the bowl, looking like death.
i don’t know.
i went to hug dog.

dog has a wound. a hot spot.

it is horrible when you are responsible for a life, and you fail them.

tomorrow morning i will wake up to find … the fish, dead. i’ll bury him in my backyard, wash my hands, and go to my long day of school.

and thursday, i will go and get a new one. because … i won’t fail him.

date: 1119568531

mood: time * %moodcoefficient
listening to:me gustas tu

same old place, shiny new camera (err, d70, not shiny and new but its a reshoot)

i’m sure my dad is very happy with his very legal downloads blazing fast, while i’m suffering at 1.6K/s here. arrrrgh.

that last one, negative space is like a flower.

i found affinity for swiss chocolate. WTF? since when do i enjoy candy? thankfully i’ll be eating sushi today to attempt and stop that bad habit.

i’ve been angry, worried, concerned, relaxed, sleepy, curious, impatient, disappointed, expectant, relieved and happy today. how’s that for 12 hours of awakeness?

date: 1114747903

mood: in the past and in the moment
listening to:led zepplin – stairway to heaven

we should all be 2 years old in our hearts.

do you know the saying today ist he first day of the rest of your life?
maybe today is the moment between then and later. half way moment of where things are still undecided – exams are not finished, bags are not packed (or unpacked, depending on whether you’re coming or going). it might be your birthday, or it might have just passed. or it might in half a year. and it is all still halfway between then and later. maybe in 3 years you’ll look back and say “yes, this is when i failed computer science”, or maybe you will say “yes, this is when i met her” (or him). or maybe you’ll just look back and say “man, those were good times – i wish i could remember more!”

me, 2 years old, russia.

and a normal photo (montreal, 2005)

date: 1110655480

mood: +++++++happy
listening to:dj shadow – organ donor 2004 live (AND IT GOT THERE ON RANDOM. i swear.)

i da n00bs*

yeah people weekend went off to a grrrreat start. AND i got 79 in one of my bettah midterms. time to jet to do STUFFS and THINGIES and meet PEOPLE and WRITE stuff and AAAH things to do. yeah, i’m doing h/w on a saturday. ain’t i leet? ;)

weee this is my fav thing in the city for this month cause its always either going to someplace fun or returning from someplace fun. unless its the abovementioned n00bs, but they don’t reaaally count ;) cause i could take the ttc to see them! cause its thebetter way.

---

* n00bs = scarf and maha

date: 1107684039

mood:
listening to:

sanity
receding.
help.

date: 1104211809

mood: angry, sad
listening to:

i am not happy.

i don’t know enough, and what i don’t know hurts me. i am stupid, i can’t create what i want to, my art is shit, because its not even art. i don’t even know how to properly use the fscking equipment i worked so hard to get. i can’t create anything original, and what i call original, in reality, doesn’t even come close to what would be considered serious work by anyone. i could, and should just toss all of my photographs, cause whats the point, they are junk, and are completely useless. why am i even trying? its all garbage, and i can’t get better simply because i am an idiot and don’t know anything.

i wish, i wish i could stop feeling like this, but i had this sitting in me for probably a few months now, and tonight its just exploding. i don’t know why i even try. everyone else seems to know exactly what they are doing with their photographs, why, and for what, and how. everything i read shows me people who like and know what they are doing. i’m just a silly little girl who is pretending to be able to take photographs, when in reality all i have is a big camera that impresses people.i have no idea what i’m doing, i have no idea where i’m going, i have not a clue of what i want to show or express. i just want to shoot, and i wish i could stop thinking about the part before and after – that way i could ignore my stupidity.

alas, i can’t. i am stupid, and i don’t know what to do. it is all shit, and i don’t know where to go from here.

date: 1097334122

mood:
listening to:

i’m not sure if it is good to have many short updates, with no real content, or what.

so, i think i might have bronchitis. i might have picked it up from francesca. chris possibly has the same thing – we discussed it last night while we went out together.

last night, after going home (late! 8pm!), ate dinner (penne with some interesting sauce), drank lotsa tea, then went out – highlander, where i found a computer with internet – shame it is a bar, where i can’t really sit down, nor i’m sure if i’m allowed to actually use the computer, then shamrock, where we had a beer and i watched some foosball, then de alla where really sucky music was playing most of the night. we left around 3am, came home, had our traditional midnight (well, late night) snack/tea (yay for twinnings earl grey – i have 1-2 packets left, booya, can’t find good teas here, or they are REALLY expensive!), watched the live presidential debate (4 am! ouch!), than sleep.

woke up at 1, had coffee, read slashdot (saved articles), had some eggs (nothing else to eat, shopping tomorrow), then went to the library. to study. except i have a feeling they are closing in 5 minutes. which means i shouldn’t even bother beignning studying. except people don’t seem to be leaving, even though 10 minutes ago this computer had a message that the library is closing in 10 minutes. i thought its closing at 6, and its only 5… anyway, after i finish this entry i’ll start studying.

kev pointed out last entry that even regular is not regular. it is very true – every single mundane thing still shocks me with its unmundanity. that’s exactly what i was trying to point out in my previous entry, that i cannot find things as shocking as they used to be, and yet each mornign when i open the SHARED fridge, or brush my teeth in the sink in my room, or take a shower in the SHARED shower, or watch european tv with 6 different languages spread among 20 channels, or go outside to see the bike lanes and the bike shed, or simply hear the vast internationality that is on my floor, i am very acutely reminded that i am infact not in canada, not anywhere where i expected to be 5 months ago.

the library is very quiet – the air conditioning went off. but people are still here. i don’t really get it…

someone told me that they expected an entry about paris, and i realized i haven’t said anything about my *2* trips there! shame on me. i will make an honest effort to finish my paper tonight, and THEN, IF i have time, i shall type something up. however, to summarize, it was FUN.

okay. i guess that’s as many things as i could think of to say here. have a great weekend and wish me luck with my psychology paper!