The one about bloody fingers reminds me of a muuuch longer joke that my cousin used to tell me when I was little. I’ll write it later.
And the one about the dark has tons of potential to be funny as hell. If it’s dark and you mess up the order, it would be hillarious.
“And here is his nose” *hands over the spaghetti*
Alright so here’s the joke. Got nothing better to do now anyway:
There were 3 little brothers playing around at home. Their mom comes downstairs and tells them that she has to go run some errands. She tells them to keep playing and that she’ll be back in no time. She also tells them to answer the phone, should it ring.
So the kids keep playing. They were playing Bioshock, because it rules. No multiplayer, but they’d take turns if they got killed.
Suddenly, the phone rings. One of the kids (Steve) goes and picks it up.
“Hello?”
*heavy breathing on the other end*
“I….am the bloody hand. I am 1 kilometer from your house”
“Bah go screw yourself, dipshit bloody hand!”
*hangs up*
So they go back to playing Bioshock. This is the bit where you gotta kill that crazy surgeon. If only they knew to toss back the grenades with the telekinesis plasmid…
After a few moments, the phone rings again. But this time, Jeff goes to answer, since Steve is now playing and getting his ass kicked (n00b!).
*Hello?”
*heavy breathing*
“I…..am the bloody hand, and I am 2 blocks from your house.”
“Bah who cares. Get yourself a GPS navigator and go to hell!”
*hangs up*
So Jeff goes back to playing Bioshock with his brothers.
“Who was that?” asked Steve.
“Some clown. Something about a bloody hand and 2 blocks from here,” replied Jeff.
“Hmm that’s weird,” wondered Steve. “Some guy called before about the same thing, but said he was 1 kilometer from home, whatever the hell a kilometer is. Stupid commie with his metric system.”
It was then when Eddie stopped pwning splicers to join into the conversation.
“A kilometer is 1.6 miles, you stupid rednecks. I must be adopted. There’s no way I share DNA with you nitwits. And I’m sure you didnt read about the laboratory experiments last night, did you? A branch broke a window and they couldnt find a lot of experiments the following morning. Some strange things going on in the lab, I tell ya.”
It was then that lightning struck nearby and the power went out. Leaving the kids in the dark and cussing because they didnt get to save their progress on Bioshock.
The phone suddenly starts ringing, and it appears to be louder than usual. It is Eddie who musters enough courage to answer this call.
“Hello?”
*I am the bloody hand….and you know where I am”
*hangs up*
The 3 kids stand in horror, as they stand in pitch darkness but see light coming from the front door. But the door isnt what is terrifying. It is the shape of a hand with the moon in the backlight. A grunt can be heard, and fluids are heard dripping. An even louder grunt is heard. If hell has a soundtrack, it’s this grunt on constant loop along with the song that ice cream trucks play. And it would be played at 11, the stereo in hell goes to 11.
The door bell rings just as another thunder rips trhough the dark and shakes the house down to the foundation. The 3 brothers are terrified, but it is Eddie who decides to answer the door after mustering enough courage. Or is it madness? No, this is not Sparta, cut it out.
Every step towards the door feels like the last of his life. The front door never seemed so far away or so terrifying in the night. Seemingly without reason, his hand meets the handle of the door. Another grunt is heard, a thousand times more thunderous than the previous ones. Yet, Eddie is in some sort of trance. He turns the door knob and as he opens the door, he snaps out of it. It is then that the abomination is revealed.
A bloody hand, 10 feet tall (it was probably like 3 feet but what the hell), with the veins exposed and blood pulsating through them like a thick syrup. There was blood everywhere. An opening could be seen in the center of the palm. It was dark, but Eddie could see what appeared to be razor-sharp teeth. This was when the hand slightly turned to face Eddie, who never forgot his manners:
“What do you want?”
“I am the bloody hand….and….got a band-aid, dude?”
Now, there were tons of modifications to this one. In many, you’d have the bloody hand entering the house while the kids were asleep, sneaking into the kitchen, grabbing a knife AND…..spreading butter on bread, for example”
Man i never had to write that stupid joke. I couldve told it 30 times during the time it took me to write it.
And hooray for RSS fixed and newest entries first, yo.
LOL dude
if i could share this i would, just don’t want to share my blog with everyone i know.
holy cow this is awesome. thank you.
fantastic story telling too :D
Okay I pulled 2 epic fails on that one.
A kilometer isn’t 1.6 miles. That’s backwards!
And double use of “courage mustering.” I’ll blame it on improvisation and lack of review before submitting :P
The one about bloody fingers reminds me of a muuuch longer joke that my cousin used to tell me when I was little. I’ll write it later.
And the one about the dark has tons of potential to be funny as hell. If it’s dark and you mess up the order, it would be hillarious.
“And here is his nose” *hands over the spaghetti*
Alright so here’s the joke. Got nothing better to do now anyway:
There were 3 little brothers playing around at home. Their mom comes downstairs and tells them that she has to go run some errands. She tells them to keep playing and that she’ll be back in no time. She also tells them to answer the phone, should it ring.
So the kids keep playing. They were playing Bioshock, because it rules. No multiplayer, but they’d take turns if they got killed.
Suddenly, the phone rings. One of the kids (Steve) goes and picks it up.
“Hello?”
*heavy breathing on the other end*
“I….am the bloody hand. I am 1 kilometer from your house”
“Bah go screw yourself, dipshit bloody hand!”
*hangs up*
So they go back to playing Bioshock. This is the bit where you gotta kill that crazy surgeon. If only they knew to toss back the grenades with the telekinesis plasmid…
After a few moments, the phone rings again. But this time, Jeff goes to answer, since Steve is now playing and getting his ass kicked (n00b!).
*Hello?”
*heavy breathing*
“I…..am the bloody hand, and I am 2 blocks from your house.”
“Bah who cares. Get yourself a GPS navigator and go to hell!”
*hangs up*
So Jeff goes back to playing Bioshock with his brothers.
“Who was that?” asked Steve.
“Some clown. Something about a bloody hand and 2 blocks from here,” replied Jeff.
“Hmm that’s weird,” wondered Steve. “Some guy called before about the same thing, but said he was 1 kilometer from home, whatever the hell a kilometer is. Stupid commie with his metric system.”
It was then when Eddie stopped pwning splicers to join into the conversation.
“A kilometer is 1.6 miles, you stupid rednecks. I must be adopted. There’s no way I share DNA with you nitwits. And I’m sure you didnt read about the laboratory experiments last night, did you? A branch broke a window and they couldnt find a lot of experiments the following morning. Some strange things going on in the lab, I tell ya.”
It was then that lightning struck nearby and the power went out. Leaving the kids in the dark and cussing because they didnt get to save their progress on Bioshock.
The phone suddenly starts ringing, and it appears to be louder than usual. It is Eddie who musters enough courage to answer this call.
“Hello?”
*I am the bloody hand….and you know where I am”
*hangs up*
The 3 kids stand in horror, as they stand in pitch darkness but see light coming from the front door. But the door isnt what is terrifying. It is the shape of a hand with the moon in the backlight. A grunt can be heard, and fluids are heard dripping. An even louder grunt is heard. If hell has a soundtrack, it’s this grunt on constant loop along with the song that ice cream trucks play. And it would be played at 11, the stereo in hell goes to 11.
The door bell rings just as another thunder rips trhough the dark and shakes the house down to the foundation. The 3 brothers are terrified, but it is Eddie who decides to answer the door after mustering enough courage. Or is it madness? No, this is not Sparta, cut it out.
Every step towards the door feels like the last of his life. The front door never seemed so far away or so terrifying in the night. Seemingly without reason, his hand meets the handle of the door. Another grunt is heard, a thousand times more thunderous than the previous ones. Yet, Eddie is in some sort of trance. He turns the door knob and as he opens the door, he snaps out of it. It is then that the abomination is revealed.
A bloody hand, 10 feet tall (it was probably like 3 feet but what the hell), with the veins exposed and blood pulsating through them like a thick syrup. There was blood everywhere. An opening could be seen in the center of the palm. It was dark, but Eddie could see what appeared to be razor-sharp teeth. This was when the hand slightly turned to face Eddie, who never forgot his manners:
“What do you want?”
“I am the bloody hand….and….got a band-aid, dude?”
Now, there were tons of modifications to this one. In many, you’d have the bloody hand entering the house while the kids were asleep, sneaking into the kitchen, grabbing a knife AND…..spreading butter on bread, for example”
Man i never had to write that stupid joke. I couldve told it 30 times during the time it took me to write it.
And hooray for RSS fixed and newest entries first, yo.
LOL dude
if i could share this i would, just don’t want to share my blog with everyone i know.
holy cow this is awesome. thank you.
fantastic story telling too :D
Okay I pulled 2 epic fails on that one.
A kilometer isn’t 1.6 miles. That’s backwards!
And double use of “courage mustering.” I’ll blame it on improvisation and lack of review before submitting :P