Month: July 2005

the world is my home

date: 1102785466

mood: everything at once
listening to:mylene farmer – regrets

ah, 3 weeks, no update.
many things happened. i hurt my back, and the injury got aggravated due to the walking in rome.

how to summarize 3 weeks?

they fly by too fast.

i took photographs. i went to classes. i went to luxembourg. i went to the doctor. i went out. i stayed home. i made vareniki. i went shopping. i went skating. i went to a movie. and i took photographs.

i programmed, or tried to. i talked to people, or tried to. :)

i’m feeling an immense feeling of nostalgia right now, for the 4 months that seemed to fly by. some things seem like they happened just yesterday, and some things feel like years ago. all in all, this definetly was much, much more than i could have possibly expected in the beginning.

ah, well, screw sadness. exciting stuff?

after tuesday evening i am free for a whole week. expect to have a lot of partying.
next friday will be bruges for the whole day, i hope. and germany…

i keep notes for the past 3 weeks, but they are so point form. its more important to me to spend the last time with the people here (or at least study for my language exams) than to sit at my computer. as such, i shall go! :)

things left:
saturday eve: study french until done, then highlander for a beer
sunday: chinese/programming/ library for art class
monday: chinese/programming
tuesday: last meeting, then french exam (yikes)
wednesday: art class on photography!, then roadtrip anywhere
thursday: road trip anywhere
friday: art class, road trip to bruges, then 5th floor final dinner
saturday: my “birthday” aka an excuse to invite lotsa people to 5th floor and have a party
sunday: party/road trip
monday: road trip/party until wee hours of tuesday…

i guess i’m not that poorly off. at least i have thursday/sunday to have full day roadtrips!

i also should send the 2nd package home soon, and check that i can take my luggage normally.

i can’t believe how great this experience was. never expected anything like this to happen. so many friends made… spain, switzerland, france, italy, scotland, estonia.

but soon – canada!

languages. wo3 dong3!

date: 1102970292

mood:
listening to:

monday was spent in study of chinese, slacking off from study of chinese, and for about 1/2 hour helping julien prepare his paper for submition (setting fonts, formatting, explaining how to do foot notes). and eating, a few times.

but the highlight of the day is of course my chinese exam. yes, i had it tonight.

the written part was EASY. i easily gotten 80% on it, i believe. at very least 70, likely 95 (only one 2 mark question out of 50 points that i didnt know! and it was an unfair one too, he said we dont need to remember city name’s characters, and it was a city name). so, i definitely passed, and probably with a high mark too.

i can’t WAIT until i get back home and my nice “mark-self-esteem” is going to get blown to shreds by u of t.

tomorrow evening i have french exam. so right now as practice for it, i shall watch the godfather… in french! :)

time flies!

date: 1103178076

mood: wide eyed and bushy tailed
listening to:

Brain development research reveals that the human brain continues growing in capacity into young adulthood (until about age 21). In fact, the part of the brain that controls and suppresses impulses, and is critical to good decision-making, is among the last to mature. This serves as the basis for laws that limit adult responsibility, for instance, prohibiting voting, military service or jury duty until age 18.

what, that means i can’t stay up until 7 am when i am 21? damn.

for the record, i did not go out. i played “go” with simon until 5 am. i lost, 52 stones to 90 – but that doesn’t matter, that game isn’t about winning.

tot ziens!

parting words

date: 1104103931

mood: nostalgic
listening to:

“and never let anyone tell you that you are not good… because you are amazing.”

it is like leaving a family. i miss my room there, i miss my friends.

not happy

date: 1104211809

mood: angry, sad
listening to:

i am not happy.

i don’t know enough, and what i don’t know hurts me. i am stupid, i can’t create what i want to, my art is shit, because its not even art. i don’t even know how to properly use the fscking equipment i worked so hard to get. i can’t create anything original, and what i call original, in reality, doesn’t even come close to what would be considered serious work by anyone. i could, and should just toss all of my photographs, cause whats the point, they are junk, and are completely useless. why am i even trying? its all garbage, and i can’t get better simply because i am an idiot and don’t know anything.

i wish, i wish i could stop feeling like this, but i had this sitting in me for probably a few months now, and tonight its just exploding. i don’t know why i even try. everyone else seems to know exactly what they are doing with their photographs, why, and for what, and how. everything i read shows me people who like and know what they are doing. i’m just a silly little girl who is pretending to be able to take photographs, when in reality all i have is a big camera that impresses people.i have no idea what i’m doing, i have no idea where i’m going, i have not a clue of what i want to show or express. i just want to shoot, and i wish i could stop thinking about the part before and after – that way i could ignore my stupidity.

alas, i can’t. i am stupid, and i don’t know what to do. it is all shit, and i don’t know where to go from here.

dark side of the moon

date: 1104703525

mood: tired. handra.
listening to:pink floyd, comfortably numb

i’m stuck between two places. here, and there. sometimes i’m more here, and sometimes i’m more there, but the transition is painful. writing emails is difficult, it brings up happy memories that i am afraid i’ll not be able to replicate. when i was there, i felt like an adult … a young adult, if that suits you more. when i was there, i felt mature, independent. and here, i suddenly am trying to mesh into my old image, who i was before i left, and it is not who i am any more.
maybe that is why i am so tired and shying away from people. maybe that’s the reason for my headaches, for the sickness, for the handra.
i am just not sure how to speed up the process.

anyway.

new years came and went, and so did my birthday. i’m 21. an abstract number … representing nothing. i am happy; as everyone i have ups and downs, but majority and overwhelmingly i am happy, and could not ask for more from life. (i can of course still demand more from myself, heh).

my new years resolution is to hold promises, and to be on time. as such, expect me to make less promises.

i hope to spend more time with my dog, to raise my marks, to balance life, to be more healthy, to shoot more but less at the same time. i hope to be more creative, more smart, and i hope next year i’ll be able to look back as i am now, and say that this year i have learned more than i could have expected.