date: 1074494856
mood: mentally exhausted, physically agitated
listening to:enigma – mea culpa, nin – *
-> the glasses i found that i liked. didn’t buy, not yet. must compare more. blah.
-> visited a fish shop, another one, so now i know where the best bettas are. going to get them soon.
-> thought more about marks. felt stupid. felt more stupid. felt even more stupid and finally accepted and stopped being upset.
-> came home and did some questions to help parent’s friends master’s level statistics… no, wait. statistics course. felt smart. didn’t clean cause was doing that. was too tired to do anything more smart after that.
-> realized how fucking stupid it is that i can do stuff after i fuck up on the course.
ouch
heart
hurts
need to make
doctor appointment.
i hate it. it hurts more lately. or like i feel … i feel that its beating so hard that i can’t do anything else. that i need to stop and lean or i feel im going to have a heart attack. i hate it. im 20. i dont want to get tired after walking up 2 flights of stairs in the subway. i need to plan for more time to geteverywhere cause i can’t walk fast enough. fuck.
-> finished assignment. wrote 3/5 neatly. understood a hard question. i can’t decide whether im so stupid i dont see things i dont understand or im just confused periodically.
and let me guess, everyone are going to say that “nooo, you’re smart” :|
its weird. it doesn’t matter what you say. its what i feel. for 3 years my mom told me i look great with glasses. friends, relatives, told me that. and yet only when i randomly looked in the morning sleepy stare mirror and liked what i seen that could remove the complex.
and not even then fully. i was doing that uncomfortable smile thing today when i was trying on glasses.
aah fuck.
heart hurts.
mea culpa.